Monkey gets free* banana

*bill come later

People not understand new monkey leader.

Me explain.

There old monkey leader.

But old monkey tired. Old monkey resign.

New monkey step forward.

New monkey say: I always loyal. I always team player.

New monkey also spend 18 month telling every journalist under sun that old leader monkey ‘lack vision.’

This called loyalty in monkey world.

Now, new monkey win contest. Only candidate. Very competitive race.

New monkey begin.

Day one.

Monkey announce: VAT off energy bill.

Monkey toy with: unfreeze tax band.

Monkey consider: cut business rate for pub.

Monkey say: house every homeless monkey.

Monkey plan: pay for social care.

Monkey decide: keep triple lock forever.

Monkey put friend in charge of money.

Friend also want more defence spending.

Crowd cheer.

Crowd very happy.

Crowd not ask: who pay for banana.

Nobody ask this question day one.

Day one for announcing. Day 47 for maths.

Now.

New leader monkey cut business rate. He say: pay for it by taxing warehouse.

Warehouse monkey have accountant.

Accountant very creative.

Warehouse bill somehow smaller than press release suggest.

Monkey unfreeze tax band.

This sound generous.

This just monkey giving back money old monkey took by freezing band five year ago.

Monkey keep triple lock.

Triple lock very popular with monkey over 65. Monkey over 65 vote a lot.

Triple lock also mathematically cancerous. But nobody remove triple lock. Removing triple lock career-ending. Every monkey know this.

Meanwhile.

Monkey friend at Treasury doing maths.

Maths say: revenue same.

Spending: up.

Now here trick.

Every promise free* in July.

Nothing free in November.

November when small print monkey call ‘fiscal event.’

Fiscal event when bill arrive.

Bill always arrive. Bill never miss address. Bill know exactly where monkey live.

But new leader monkey say: we find efficiency.

Every monkey say this.

Efficiency mean: we look very hard for banana we already spent.

Efficiency never find enough banana.

Efficiency find 70 million banana.

Hole 100 Billion banana.

Math still very sad.

So what happen next.

Either.

Borrow more banana. Bond market monkey narrow eye at pile of promise. Bond market monkey remember what happen last time somebody promise everything and forget to check spreadsheet.

Or.

Tax somebody. Somebody always ‘somebody else’ until budget day. Then somebody else turn out to be you.

Or.

Break promise. Not all at once. Slowly. ‘Reviewing timeline.’ ‘Phasing approach.’ ‘Fiscally responsible pathway.’

Fiscally responsible pathway is monkey for ‘we lied, but nicely.’

Monkey watch this before.

Every monkey leader do this dance.

Promise banana in summer.

Blame previous monkey in autumn.

Take banana from taxpayer in winter.

New leader monkey popular now.

Poll number good.

Poll number always good day one.

Nobody poll monkey on day 47.

Day 47 when monkey remember what triple lock and social care and defence commitment actually cost, all added up, all at once, compounding, forever, with interest.

That’s right.

Smile for the camera.