Monkey do self assessment

Government want banana.

This tax guide for newly self-employed monkey.

Many monkey struggle with self assessment.

Me explain.

Monkey receive email.

Email from HMRC.

Email say: your self assessment tax return is ready to complete.

Monkey not know what this mean.

Monkey forget about email.

Email forget about monkey.

February come. Letter.

Letter from HMRC.

Letter say: your self assessment tax return is overdue.

Letter say: you have been charged £100 penalty.

Monkey not remember filing being due.

Monkey not remember registering for self assessment.

Monkey barely remember what year it is.

Monkey google: do I need to do self assessment

Google say: you need to do self assessment if you are self employed, have income over £100,000, receive income from property, or have untaxed income from investments or savings above certain threshold.

Monkey read this.

Monkey have several of these.

Monkey had several of these for four years.

Monkey not know.

Monkey log into HMRC portal.

Monkey not have Government Gateway ID.

Monkey create Government Gateway ID.

HMRC send verification code to email address monkey not use since 2014.

Monkey not have access to email address.

Monkey click: I cannot access this email.

HMRC say: we will send letter to your registered address within seven to ten working days.

Monkey wait.

Letter arrive.

Letter have code.

Monkey type code.

Code expired.

Monkey phone HMRC.

Monkey on hold.

Hold music is not music.

Hold music is tone.

Single tone.

For forty-seven minutes.

Monkey listen to tone.

Monkey think about life choices.

Human answer.

Human say: how can I help.

Monkey explain situation.

Human say: I can see your account but I cannot make changes, you need to speak to the digital team.

Monkey say: can you transfer me.

Human say: no, you need to call a different number.

Monkey write down different number.

Monkey call different number.

Different number same hold music.

Same tone.

Monkey eventually get into portal.

Portal say: welcome.

Portal look like it designed in 2003.

Monkey find tax return.

Tax return has many sections.

Section one: employment income.

Monkey fill in.

Section two: self employment income.

Monkey fill in.

Section three: UK property income.

Monkey not sure which box.

There are fourteen boxes.

Monkey guess.

Section four: foreign income.

Monkey have small dividend from American ETF.

Monkey spend forty minutes establishing whether this is foreign income or not.

It is.

Box requires amount in sterling.

Dividend paid in dollars.

On four different dates.

With four different exchange rates.

Monkey open spreadsheet.

Monkey find receipts section.

Monkey need receipts for expenses.

Monkey think about expenses.

Monkey had expenses.

Monkey not keep receipts.

Monkey kept some receipts.

Receipts are in bag.

Bag is in cupboard.

Cupboard has other things in front of it.

Monkey move things.

Monkey find bag.

Bag has receipts.

Also has: loyalty card for coffee shop that closed, parking ticket from 2022, receipt for item monkey cannot identify, seventeen individual receipts for thing costing under £4 that monkey cannot categorise, one receipt for £340 that monkey definitely needs but is now completely illegible because thermal paper.

Monkey photograph illegible receipt.

Portal not accept photograph of illegible receipt.

Monkey discover allowable expenses.

Allowable expenses are: things you buy wholly and exclusively for business purposes.

Monkey think about laptop.

Monkey use laptop for work.

Monkey also use laptop for other things.

HMRC say: you may claim proportion used for business.

Monkey not know proportion.

Monkey guess 80%.

Monkey immediately worry about guess for rest of year.

Monkey think about phone.

Monkey think about home office.

Monkey think about mileage.

Monkey had not been tracking mileage.

HMRC say: you should have been tracking mileage.

Monkey know this now.

Monkey know this too late.

Monkey reach end of return.

Portal calculate tax owed.

Number large.

Monkey was not expecting number to be this large.

Monkey was not expecting, specifically, payment on account.

Monkey did not know about payment on account.

Payment on account is: HMRC assume monkey will earn same next year, so monkey must pay half of next year tax now, in advance, in addition to this year tax.

Monkey read this several times.

Monkey check this real.

Monkey go to Reddit.

Reddit say: yes this is real, welcome, we have all been through this, it does not get better.

Monkey find box at bottom of return.

Box say: is there anything else you would like to tell us.

Monkey stare at box for long time.

Monkey have many things would like to tell HMRC.

Monkey submit return.

Portal say: return submitted successfully.

Portal say: your payment of £X is due 31 January.

Today is 30 January.

Monkey pay.

Monkey pay interest.

Monkey also pay original £100 penalty.

Monkey also pay second £100 penalty that arrived while monkey was dealing with first £100 penalty.

Monkey receive email three days later.

Email from HMRC.

Email say: thank you for submitting your return. You may be eligible for a refund of £12.40.

Also.

We’re Making Tax Digital.

We need you to buy software, keep digital receipts and pay every quarter.

So we can fine you £400 a year instead.

Want to know more?

Monkey stare at email.

Monkey close email.

Monkey open spreadsheet.

Monkey create tab called: receipts 2026.

Monkey will be organised this year.

Monkey will track everything.

Monkey will not be in this position again.

Monkey go pub.

Monkey order banana cider.

£7.20 now.

Gone up again.

Monkey ask for receipt.

First time monkey ever ask for receipt in pub.

Monkey not sure pub counts as allowable expense.

Monkey add it to spreadsheet anyway.

Turns out, his sole recorded expense.

Better luck next year.

P.S. The only real tax advice I am comfortable giving to the newly self-employed is to delegate bookkeeping and tax concerns to a personally recommended, qualified accountant.

I am seeing many former colleagues, relatives and friends being effectively forced into freelancing by a combination of economic slowdown and the jobs AIpocalypse. Unless you’re running a very simple operation, you don’t know what you’re doing and the cost is always worth it.